[[livejournal.com profile] quotable_muse] October 2009 - 143 - "I must go forth alone, wi

Oct. 22nd, 2009 01:48 pm
prodigalwatcher: (Get What We Deserve)
[personal profile] prodigalwatcher
143 - "I must go forth alone, without knowing how."

With one hand on the door handle, I could still turn around. At least, that's what a very small, very quiet voice in the back of my mind is insisting. It tells me that I have not yet gone too far, that I have not strayed into the realm where what I've already done could go unforgiven. These are my friends. No, they are more than that: this is my family.


Gunn and Angel? Both of them have done things outside of what our better natures would tell us is right. But when those choices have become necessary, they made them, and so must I.

I fervently regret having to hurt Lorne, and I have only my own foolishness to blame for making that necessary. In the moment-- and how many controversial decisions are explained with those three words-- I was thinking only of Connor and calming him so that I could make my escape. Singing to the baby was the first instinct I had. I should have known better than to let a single not escape in front of Lorne.

He'll wake soon enough. His headache will fade. If I'm still here, I can apologise and make amends. We could be all right again.

I can feel them all watching me, none of them even suspecting what's in my mind. Fred and Gunn, laughing and happy. They deserve to feel that way, no matter what else I might think or hold in my heart. I gave them all smiles and words that sounded perfectly reasonable coming from me, tied to a story that makes perfect sense.

Angel is troubled, unsettled by what has been happening to him in Connor's presence. That, of course, being exactly the reason I am doing the terrible, unthinkable thing I am doing.

But none of them know yet. I could come up with an excuse, some kind of plausible explanation for what I've done so far and for why I knocked out Lorne. Or hell, I could even tell them the truth and beg their forgiveness after turning around before it was too late.

I am, quite literally, on the threshold.

Looking down, Connor is calm and alert, his eyes open and staring, wide and innocent.

The door is open and I am stepping through before I know it.


(385)

Date: 2009-10-22 09:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] big-pile-o-dust.livejournal.com
OOC: Oh... where the road to dark!Wesley started. Poor guy...

Date: 2009-10-22 10:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] prodigalwatcher.livejournal.com
OOC: Yep, had to do a bit of research for just the right moment, but that was fun.

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Wesley Wyndam-Pryce

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