prodigalwatcher | SM 1.1 - Losing Control

1.1 - Describe the last time you lost control.

I let myself care.

More specifically, I let myself care about the wrong person. Caring, in and of itself, is no weakness or shortcoming; rather, it is a strength. If one was not to care, then there would be no reason to spend their life in anything resembling a righteous endeavour. The same is true of one who cared only for themselves, and not for others.

The simple truth of the matter is that I should have known better than to let her in, to allow myself to forget who she was and more importantly, from where she came.

Using her for information incurred no moral dilemma whatsoever. No other entity in Los Angeles knew more about the goings on of the supernatural underworld than Wolfram & Hart, who if they were not actively operating those activities, were certainly protecting and defending it, both in and out of court. Having arguably their brightest young star sharing my bed was an opportunity for intelligence gathering which I could not in good conscience have wasted.

The literal 'sleeping with the enemy' was perhaps the simplest part. Like all the best, most lethal things in the world, she was undeniably beautiful and desirable. And any hyperbole aside, she was exceptionally skilled between the sheets (metaphorically, as literal sheets rarely entered the equation), and provided no short supply of distraction and satisfaction.

Somewhere, though, my control failed me, and my hold on my own weaker emotions faltered. I allowed it to become something more than a liaison of convenience, more than some psychologically undesirable kind of sublimated self-punishment on my part. It became, in its own terrible way, a relationship.

I began to think better of her, to entertain the notion that she might be saved from the path she'd chosen to tread. I wondered if there were more to Lilah Morgan that the face she wore as the sharpest-toothed shark in the Wolfram & Hart waters. She assured me that there was not. For my part, I began to doubt that assertion, even insist that she was incorrect.

And then the bitch was dead.

Muse: Wesley Wyndam-Pryce
Fandom: 'Angel' the series
Word count: 355